Something Prowling This Way Comes
Posted on July 11th, 2012
The training was pretty routine. A quick warm-up to stimulate the flesh. Repeated attempts at lifting heavy loads as quickly as possible. A progressive attitude where you try and do just a little bit better than you did the last time around.
If you’re not careful, this sort of activity will whip that flesh into fighting shape. It will make you stronger. But that’s not quite enough, is it? No, folks like us, we require further refinement. We need to gnash ourselves against something really hard. We need conditioning.
At least it always seems like a damn fine idea before you start, doesn’t it?
The question always comes with good and honest motive. “So, what do you want to do for conditioning?” You’re not going to bail or change your mind, but that doesn’t mean the subsequent recommendation doesn’t immediately initiate the dread. “I don’t know…how ‘bout we push the sled?” The sled (*Gasp)!
It’s simply enough. The device is just a metal sled made to accept a load. You grab it and push it around, either slow or fast. But here’s the very odd detail that immediately becomes apparent to you, the operator. That load can be very light or very heavy. You can walk or run. You can push it ten times or fifty. It’s still going to be very, very unpleasant for you no matter what.
This thing has a space saved in the torture hall of fame, somewhere right between the Judas Cradle and the Pear of Anguish. But of course, that’s what makes it vastly superior in every conceivable way to that poor elliptical machine currently collecting dust in the corner of your living room.
You can take it on. You should take it on. Just take note and be prepared.
Prowling in 4 Easy Steps
- It’s perfectly natural to be a bit queazy and anxious as you approach the sled. Why shouldn’t you feel that way? You’re going to be in intense acute pain just moments from now!
- Apply a load. I wish I had a specific recommendation for you, but I don’t. Just start with far less than you think you need. In the end, it will matter very little. Like I said, the pain will come either way.
- Pick between two options. First, you can pick a marker off in the distance and shove this thing all the way down and back. Start by running, but you’ll soon find yourself performing an agonizing and inefficient goose step. Stop when you must, and resume when you are able. Second, you can sprint with this god forsaken apparatus until your legs begin to go shaky and numb. That will probably take no more than 40-50 yards, if you’ve got the load right. How many should you do? Well, that all depends. Try for ten reps at least, or stop when you begin to taste metal in the back of your throat. That means you could be bleeding internally.
- You’re done when you are reduced to a crumpled mound of flesh on the ground. Good work!. But there’s a cruel twist awaiting you. You now have to unload the prowler and put everything back where you found it. Considering you are now incapable of any physical exertion whatsoever, this is also quite lame.
All joking aside, this is actually a very essential activity. It’s this simple…There are countless human beings out in the world who are doing everything possible to avoid pain and discomfort. They are not willing to work for what they want. They will make no sacrifices. They will put nothing but refined, crispy, sugar laden foods to their lips. Reject that lifestyle with everything that makes you human.
Look at it this way. When you find something hard to gnash against, take advantage. It’s your lucky day!